Invading Chimpchester Rockatorium: Royal Chimp Corps
Last night emerging Chimpchester indie band Royal Chimp Corps invaded the citys premier gig venue, Chimpchester Rockatorium.
It’ll all be over by Christmas. That’s what many a chimp said in 1914 when the Great War began, and that’s what some critics have said about new Chimpchester band Royal Chimp Corps, who ironically theme their work around this era. They’re just too ‘gimmicky’ apparently. However, just as they were wrong in 1914, last nights gig at the Chimpchester Rockatorium suggests that the RCC’s critics may be equally mistaken.
The so called ‘gimmicks’ were clearly evident – gig posters were based on conscription and propaganda posters from 1916. A giant aircraft tail fin complete with bullet holes hung behind the stage, and search lights hunted through the stage gloom in the moments before the band triumphantly entered wearing their military uniforms. As lead guitarist and lead vocalist Gresham tore in to the bands opening salvo, “Chimprigg”, the room reverberated and the crowd duly did their duty and danced. And they did not stop. Reaching a crescendo during the fourteen minute finale of “Armistice” the RCC brought their secret weapon out on stage, their mascot Geoffrey the Goat. All those present realised that he wasn’t a real goat when he dived in to the crowd wearing his trade mark tin helmet and with pint of stout in hand, disappearing in to the massed sea of hands below. He was carried away by the crowd and by all accounts must have been reported missing in action as he has not been seen since.
Farmer Chimprow brings in the cows
Farmer John Chimprow is a dairy farmer based in the lower Chimpdales. His father reared sheep, pigs and chickens but Farmer Chimprow couldn’t bear to take the animals to the abbatoir for slaughter and decided that by rearing dairy cows he could happily keep a herd and not have to live with the guilt of having to lead them to a premature end. That also means that he can have some form of friendship with his herd and doesn’t have to identify his cows by numbers - so Cow 431A is now called Mabel and Cow 536C is now Gertrude.
It’s a hard job being a farmer, as John has to get up at around 4am to start the milking process and he’s then out all day in the mud and the rain until he finally finishes his day at about 10pm. Whatever the weather, John has to be out there looking after his cows, but at least the beautiful scenery makes up for it. He takes his stewardship of the countryside seriously and recently refused a large offer to sell his land to the Chimpco supermarket chain.
Every Wednesday John takes some of the fine cheese and milk products he produces to a Farmer’s Market in the Castle Quarter of Chimpchester. He’s won lots of prizes for his specialist cheese, called the Golden Chimpdale. It also means he can sell his milk and cheese locally and not to the major supermarkets who would only give him 1p a litre for his milk and would otherwise put him out of business.
"Hoodies" on the Chimpfields Estate
The Chimpfields Estate has a poor reputation compared to the rest of Chimpchester. Some of that poor reputation is due to the high unemployment rates, the decaying high rise flats, the council houses covered with metal shutters, or the disgarded sofas stacked in front gardens. The rest of the dismal reputation is as a result of the reign of terror of the Chimpfields Boyz, a group of three young chimps who like nothing better than spread misery amongst their community. They scare grannies. They urinate in peoples’ porches. They kick wing mirrors off cars. They fight strangers. They get drunk and pass out on major arterial roads.
Kyle Chimpas is the ring leader of the Chimpfields Boyz, aged 17. He drinks, he smokes and he spits a lot and it’s no surprise that he’s not very intelligent. He’s been arrested by the police more times than he can count, although admittedly he can’t count far past 20. Lots of people blame his parents and with good reason. Neither of his parents work or ever have done and they’ve never really cared about what he gets up to. He’s a ‘hoody’ long in need of a hug, but if you were to stretch out your arms and walk towards him he’d probably try and smash a bottle in your face.
Tom Chimson, 15, is Kyle’s second in command. He’s a wannabe hoody. If Kyle told him to jump in a fire he would most certainly jump. We know this because he once did just that and suffered some quite nasty burns. Tom thinks Kyle is ’sick’ which apparently means good, although Kyle often is sick, usually after smoking 20 fags and drinking half a bottle of cheap cider.
Ben Chimprow, 13, aspires to reach the lofty heights of even Tom’s coolness. At the moment Ben’s struggling because his mum keeps telling him he has to be home by ten and he knows he’ll be in trouble if he stays out late. Kyle tried to get him to do some shoplifting as an initiation in to the Chimpfields Boyz but Ben was branded a failure after he shoplifted a free magazine and free chocolate sample from the till.
Kyle received his latest Anti-Social Behaviour Order yesterday. He now has five.
Serenading by Moonlight...
It was love at first sight for Matthew Chimpey when he first saw Sophie Chimpnell. Since that moment he’s been doing everything he possibly can to get her to notice him. He’s hung around in the places she always goes, he’s tried to get people to introduce them, he even took up Lacrosse so that they had something in common. All to no avail. Impatiently, he couldn’t wait any longer and has just decided to go straight to her house and serenade her by moonlight. He can only play two chords on the guitar and can’t sing, but he wrote a song about his love for her, and he’s belting it out at the top of his voice. Local cats are shrieking and covering their ears at the racket, but Sophie appears to be impressed…..but will it get Matthew a date with her….?
A view of Chimpian's Wall in the Chimpdales
The Chimpdales are situated around the outskirts of Chimpchester and are a National Park, protected from development. The Chimpdales include several contrasting pieces of stunning scenery, including areas of green rolling hills, jagged rocky mountains, beautiful coastal scenery and also the beautiful but bleak Chimprigg moorland.
The area has many attractive little villages, including Chimpshaw, Chimpmere and Chimpforth and is also home to Chimpian’s Wall, a line of fortifications built by the Roman Chimps.
A Modern house in Chimp Moss
Chimp Moss is the most modern area of Chimpchester, with its houses being built in the 1970s, 1980s, 1990s and 2000s. The area is a true reflection of suburbia with low unemployment rates and each family having 2.4 children. During the week the area sometimes seems deserted as so many of its residents are at work, but at the weekend Chimp Moss seems to come alive with children playing, dad chimps mowing the lawn and chimps unloading the weekly supermarket shop.
The Chimpfields Estate
The Chimpfields Estate is a large area of Social Housing, built in the 1950s and 1960s. Initially the area was heralded as a modern way of living and included three tower blocks known as “The Three Brothers”. Unfortunately, as in other parts of Chimpland the tower blocks suffered badly from graffiti and have been deemed as poor quality housing. They are currently scheduled for demolition.
The rest of the estate has also suffered from poverty as Chimpfields has the highest unemployment rate in the city. This has in turn led to high crime levels and high levels of anti-social behaviour. Many houses are unoccupied and boarded up, leading to the boards being nicknamed “Chimpfields Curtains” by residents of the city.
Large amounts of money are being spent trying to regenerate the area with mixed results.
An example of one of Chimpbrook's elegant houses
Chimpbrook is the most affluent area of the city, with its very large houses dating back to the late 19th and early 20th Centuries. Many of Chimpchester’s wealthy and famous residents live in this area, seemingly protected behind their large gates.
PC Chimpliffe catches a Burglar
Chimpwell is a burglar’s dream with its dark backstreets and dingy backyards. There are so many places to hide and so many escape routes to choose from if things go wrong.
PC Chimpliffe is a Police chimp dog handler and has been trying to catch a particular burglar who has been hitting the area. The burglar has been at work overnight, sneaking in to backyards and looking for unlocked back doors so that he can enter the terraced houses and steal some loot. On this occasion a neighbour heard a dog bark, looked out of the window and saw a shadowy figure in the back street. Although some chimps would think that they were seeing things this helpful neighbour phoned the police and PC Chimpliffe made his way straight tot he area. Using his dog Barney’s sense of smell he searched the back yards and found the burglar, catching him red handed! This particular burglar will be taken to the police station for questioning and should be going to prison for quite a long time. Barney will get some extra dog treats for a job well done!
St Chimpward's Quay
St. Chimpward’s Quay is one of the oldest areas of the city, and served as the original port to the City as long ago as Roman times. Named after St. Chimpward, the patron saint of Chimp Commerce, the area was badly destroyed in the Great Fire of Chimpchester but boomed in the 18th Century. Much of the areas architecture is from the Georgian period and St Chimpward’s Quay is a conservation area. It is now one of the most affluent and fashionable part of the city, with many old warehouses having been converted in to luxury apartments.
