The City of Chimpchester
Welcome to Chimpchester, the City of Chimps.
Chimpchester is a small city located in the North West of Chimpland. Sited on the River Chimpwell, a settlement has stood on this spot since Roman Chimp General Marcus Chimpus recognised the strategic location and constructed a Fort here.
Chimpchester is a bustling little city, has a turbulent history, and has many famous sons and daughters. We hope that you enjoy your stay here and whilst exploring the city we hope that you meet some of the Chimps that make this City great….
If you’re not sure where to start, check out the City Guide at the top….
Jonathan Chimpgreen paddles to the shops...
Jonathan Chimpgreen leaned back in the warm sunshine and took another sip of his drink as the waves gently lapped at his feet. Life on a tropical desert island was absolute heaven, nothing could beat this.
And then he woke up. He opened his eyes in the darkness and all was black, but he could still hear the sound of small waves lapping gently on the beach. How strange, he thought, because he was definitely awake.
A crack of thunder echoed outside and then he heard the rain. And then he realised. He jumped out of bed, stumbled across the floor and ran down stairs. As he reached the bottom he slipped and fell with a splash in to his living room. His house was flooded! The water smelled foul as he sat up and a lampshade bobbed by. Picking himself up, he sploshed across the room, grabbed his TV and DVD recorder and carried them upstairs. After another ten to fifteen trips he’d managed to get most of his prized possessions upstairs.
Living on an affluent, attractive quayside by the River Chimpwell was great, but he’d never counted on the river flooding. He peered through his curtains and saw that the swollen river was like a small sea outside, and there near the dim lampost was a submerged car with a terrified cat on the roof. It wouldn’t be long before the car was submerged and the cat had no escape. “Poor little fellow” he thought. Remembering his dinghy in the attic he raced upstairs, grabbed the inflatable along with a lifejacket and oar and returned downstairs. As he breathlessly blew the dinghy up he saw the water level continuing to rise. It was a race against time.
Eventually, red faced, and with the water level up to the roof of the car, he fastened his lifejacket, carefully climbed in to his inflatable and set out through his front door, towards the car and the cat. He had to fight against the current but eventually managed to get within a couple of feet away form the vehicle. The cat needed no invitation and leaped towards its salvation, sinking its claws in to Jonathan’s face. Letting out a yelp he tore the cat from his face and carefully placed it on to the floor of the dinghy. He recognised the little moggy as belonging to Mrs Chimpnell down the street and so he paddled further down the quay and after carefully manoeuvring was able to knock on the door.
After a few moments the first floor window opened and elderly Mrs Chimpnell leaned out. Although she was pleased to see her cat Lilly, she seemed rather alarmed herself. And so it began. Jonathan spent eight hours ferrying residents down the quayside and up to higher ground. Twelve chimps, three cats, a Great Dane and a hamster called Neville.
After many long hours waiting at a nearby community centre the flood eventually subsided the residents returned to their homes and counted the cost of the damage. Jonathan was hailed a local hero and was even given a free boat by a local shipwright. Although embarrassed by his new found fame, he proudly named the boat ‘The Chimpchester Lilly’ after the cat that inspired him to start his rescue mission that night.
Eddie Chimpbotham admires the Chimposaurus skeleton...
Chimpbrook Grammar Schools latest school trip has been less than successful, and it’s all thanks to class 3F.
Their Form Teacher Mr Chimpeters decided it would be inspiring for the class to visit Chimpchester Museum, to look at artefacts that demonstrate the history of the city. Unfortunately though things started to go wrong soon after they left the school.
The coach they’d hired was stopped by the police and impounded for being unsafe, and that was less than half a mile away from the school. Apparently the brakes were minutes away from failing. After a replacement coach was sent they eventually reached the museum, but things didn’t get much better.
Archie Chimpdawes accidentally locked himself in a cubicle inside the museum toilets and couldn’t get out. The museum caretaker had to force the door off the hinges to allow him to escape. Then Nicholas McChimpees sneezed all over a priceless abstract painting by the famous artist Chimpasso. His snot must have been slightly acidic because it started eating through the canvas.
James Chimpsella, who admittedly wasn’t feeling very well after the coach trip, was promptly sick over the almost 2000 year old statue of Marcus Chimpus. Finally Eddie Chimpbotham, who was admiring the Chimposaurus skeleton, stumbled and fell head first in to the prize exhibit, causing it to collapse and scatter bones across the room.
The curator immediately asked the school to leave the museum and banned them from future visits, which is quite amazing considering that they’d only been in the building fifteen minutes.
Street entertainers compete in Chimpwark Square
Chimpwark Square in the Castle Quarter is a tourist honeypot. Like a huge magnet, it draws in the people that wear shorts, rucksacks, clasp their camera in hand and have their faces glued to a street map. On any Saturday, or any day in the school holidays, you’ll see crowds of tourists clustered in the square accompanied by the sound of intermittant gasps, rounds of applause or roars of laughter. Chimpwark Square is a home from home for street entertainers, who all compete with each other for attention….and the pennies of tourists.
Chimpchester has its unusual street entertainers, like “The Famous Chimpsulla” who stands upside down with her head in a bucket for hours on end. It also has some ever so slightly unusual entertainers, like “Chimpoopoo” who walks around dressed as a large television set, enacting a variety of TV shows. Chimpchester also has a gaggle of mainstream street entertainers you can find in any tourist city. There are mime artists, fire eaters, jugglers and even those chimps that cover themselves in blue paint and stay as still as they can before shouting “Boo” at a poor unsuspecting child or fully grown man. One of them flicks snot at passers by, another stares out pet dogs.
Chimpchester Council have imposed licenses on city street entertainers, and it’s no surprise considering that at one point there were eighteen identical human statues plying their trade in the square. The city only allows one type of street entertainer per 50 metres square. It’s bureaucratic but it’s working - you can now see a breakdancing priest, a chimp who perilously balances on top of eight up ended chairs and swallows a sword, and a chimp that dresses up as the grim reaper and follows around unsuspecting elderly chimps. Forget your cloned statuettes, now that’s entertainment!
Firechimps from Chimpchester Central battle a raging mill fire...
Always on standby, the firechimps of Chimpchester Central Fire Station can be relied upon to get to a fire quicker than you can say “Get me a bucket of water, this place is burning like an Ecuadorian Fire Chimp!” As their fire engine rumbles down the busy city centre streets and in to the heart of Chimpwell the crew are ready for action.
Today the crew are tackling a large mill fire in Chimpwell - one of the last mills still standing. This mill has been empty for a while and Station Officer Chimpgwin suspects that this fire has been started deliberately.
“The fire’s started on the ground floor” he shouts above the roar of the flames and the crackling sound of breaking grass and thuddering metal buckling in the buildings window frames. “Homeless chimps have been found sleeping in these disused buildings and it’s highly likely that they’ve started a fire to keep warm and it’s got out of control. Of course, whoever started it is no where to be seen”.
Many of Chimpwells old industrial textile mills have been demolished or destroyed, and this mill the Chimpory Street Mill looks set to join them. Such large buildings are difficult to renovate and fall in to disrepair. This mill will be another piece of Chimpchesters industrial heritage lost. It’s a sad day for the city.
As waves crash over the side of The Northern Chimpess, John Chimpuggan and Joe Chimpuggan haul in their catch
Sailing out from Chimpchester Harbour each week, the crew of The Northern Chimpess work all day and all night whatever the weather to catch a haul of fresh fish. Tonight the weather is bitterly cold, and the howling wind is hurling waves at the small fishing vessel. The skipper John Chimpuggan and his son Joe battle the conditions to bring in their catch, before racing back to harbour to land the catch in time for the early trading at Chimpchester Market in the morning.
Joe Chimpuggan is still learning the art of fishing from his father and will one day be the skipper of the vessel, just as his father took over from his grandfather. Unfortunately times have changed and whereas fifty years ago the harbour was packed full of fishing trawlers, only a handful of fishing boats sail out these days. Joe Chimpuggan has an uncertain future.
David Chimpchett makes the most of a photo opportunity
It’s election time in Chimpchester and all of the politicians are out chasing the votes of local chimps. David Chimpchett from the Liberal Chimpocrat party is out campaigning in Chimp Moss. He’s going door to door, canvassing for votes. So far sixteen doors have been slammed in his face, he’s argued with eight different chimps, posed for an opportunistic photograph with three different babies, and tried to breakdance with some teenagers. He fell over and tore his suit, tried to regain his street cred by skateboarding and twisted his ankle.
Meanwhile, from the Conservachimp Party, Guy Chimpley-Warner has been drinking tea with elderly chimps in Chimp Moss retirement home and talking about ‘the good old days’. After five cups of tea and three pieces of sponge cake he dozed off. Bob Chimpcray from the Chimpour Party has been at a nursery talking about chimp tax credits, which was going very well until a baby chimp was sick on him.
The Weirdo Chimp Party candidate, Colonel Chimp-Chimp Pirate Captain Banana III was seen sitting in a bath of banana juice and campaigning for a giant banana bridge to be built linking Chimpchester with the moon.
The full list of candidates for the Chimpchester seat at the election are:
Bob Chimpcray, Chimpour Party
Guy Chimpley-Warner, Conservachimp Party
David Chimpchett, Liberal Chimpocrat Party
Colonel Chimp-Chimp Pirate Captain Banana III, Weirdo Chimp Party
Craig McChimp, Independent Candidate
John Chimpler, Chimpshire Independence Party
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Absolutely Trolleyed: University of Chimpchester students make their way home after a drunken night out
Nestled in the historic Castle Quarter, The University of Chimpchester boasts some beautiful buildings that are architectural gems and reflect its rich history. During the day in spring and summer its lush green lawns are packed with students studying for their exams.
As soon as night falls the area can be unrecognisable, as hordes of students head down the pub before later spilling out in to the street and running amok through the city streets being pushed in shopping trolleys or running around with traffic cones on their heads.
Nick, Rob and Lisa are typical University of Chimpchester students. In their final year, they live together in a small terraced house in Chimpwell. The rent is low and for good reason. Their boiler breaks down at least once a week. They spend 25% of their time watching Japanese Game Shows on TV, 35% of their time playing video games and 40% of their time heading down the pub and heading back again. Occasionally they do some of their degree work, but they usually leave that to the morning they’re due to hand it in.
With such a rich historic past it’s not surprising that Chimpchester has more than its fair share of ghosts and ghouls. Whilst you’re visiting Chimpchester why not take the Chimpchester Ghost Walk, which departs from Blackchimp’s Lane under the guidance of tour guide Archibald. Not only will you learn about the ghosts lurking in the shadows of the city, but you may just see one?
Click on the picture above to take the walk, or click here
Invading Chimpchester Rockatorium: Royal Chimp Corps
Last night emerging Chimpchester indie band Royal Chimp Corps invaded the citys premier gig venue, Chimpchester Rockatorium.
It’ll all be over by Christmas. That’s what many a chimp said in 1914 when the Great War began, and that’s what some critics have said about new Chimpchester band Royal Chimp Corps, who ironically theme their work around this era. They’re just too ‘gimmicky’ apparently. However, just as they were wrong in 1914, last nights gig at the Chimpchester Rockatorium suggests that the RCC’s critics may be equally mistaken.
The so called ‘gimmicks’ were clearly evident – gig posters were based on conscription and propaganda posters from 1916. A giant aircraft tail fin complete with bullet holes hung behind the stage, and search lights hunted through the stage gloom in the moments before the band triumphantly entered wearing their military uniforms. As lead guitarist and lead vocalist Gresham tore in to the bands opening salvo, “Chimprigg”, the room reverberated and the crowd duly did their duty and danced. And they did not stop. Reaching a crescendo during the fourteen minute finale of “Armistice” the RCC brought their secret weapon out on stage, their mascot Geoffrey the Goat. All those present realised that he wasn’t a real goat when he dived in to the crowd wearing his trade mark tin helmet and with pint of stout in hand, disappearing in to the massed sea of hands below. He was carried away by the crowd and by all accounts must have been reported missing in action as he has not been seen since.
