It's another snowy day in Chimpchester...
Welcome to Chimpchester, the City of Chimps.
Chimpchester is a small city located in the North West of Chimpland. A settlement has stood on this spot since Roman Chimp General Marcus Chimpus recognised the strategic location and constructed a Fort here.
Chimpchester is a bustling little city with a turbulent history. Here you can follow the lives of some of its residents…..
The main perils that all postal delivery workers face are the big hairy things on four legs. The ones with the big teeth. We’re talking dogs. Especially the big dogs.
Shirley Chimpott is terrified of them. Today she had to do a new postal round in Chimpbrook. It’s a posh area and not one she’s familiar with. At one address she made it to the front door, only to turn around and see a colossal canine growling at her. It was so big that you could have put a saddle on it.
Shirley backed away, knocking over a large plant pot and taking down an ornamental pagoda. Then she ran. She ran as fast her as tired legs would take her, vaulting over a pond of koi carp and leaping back over a gormless gnome, her bag of mail scattered over the ground.
Shirley could breath a deep sigh of relief, but the devil dog had her mail. It was munching on Mrs Chimpbottom’s gas bill and Mr Chimpdawe’s new copy of Sea Angler monthly. Oh dear.
Recently Farmer Chimprow has lost several of his sheep to a vicious predator. Some say it’s a mythical beast, roaming the Chimpdales looking for easy prey. Some say there are wolves in the hills, coming in to the valley at night to feast on the flocks of sheep.
Even Farmer Chimprow thought it was the latter when he heard howling the other night. His blood ran cold and the hair on the back of his neck stood on end. He went out with his shotgun and saw a dark shape on all fours in the moonlight. He was about to pull the trigger when, just in the nick of time, he saw that it was an escapee from the mental health ward at Chimpingham Hospital.
Last night Farmer Chimprow tried a different tactic. He covered himself in a sheep’s fleece and hid amongst his flock in the field, bleeting occasionally to blend in with the rest of the flock. After several hours he unfortunately fell asleep and suffered the effects of hypothermia. Luckily Mrs Chimprow was on hand with a flask of hot tea, some bourbon biscuits and blankets.
Back to the drawing board then for Farmer Chimprow.
This evening PC Tom Chimpcroft is on foot patrol in Chimpwell. A burglar is on the loose and whoever it is is making good use of the dark backstreets behind the terraced houses to make their getaway. PC Chimpcroft hates this time of year when it goes dark so early because the local villains find it so much easier to commit crime.
A short time ago PC Chimpcroft heard the sound of breaking glass on Defiance Street. He rushed to the scene just in time to see a hooded figure running off down a nearby back alley. Sprinting after him, PC Chimpcroft could just keep him in sight in the distance. He tried to use his radio to call further officers to the scene, gasping for breath in between each sentence whilst running as fast as he could. It was no use though, for the burglar was clearly a young pup who vaulted over the large fence of a nearby park and disappeared in to the gloomy darkness. PC Chimpcroft clambered over the fence but had lost sight of him. A search by other officers in the area didn’t find the fugitive.
PC Chimpcroft caught his breath before walking back to the scene of the smashed window. It looked like the burglar had been disturbed by the occupant before he’d had a chance to grab anything. Tomorrow night, vowed PC Chimpcroft, he would catch the burglar.
Chimpchester is changing. The format will now concentrate on the day to day lives of the city’s citizens. To keep up with the gossip from Chimpchester make sure you sign up to the Chimpchester Facebook page, or Twitter feed.
Simon Chimpledder shoves Mike Chimpmaus out of contention...
Christmas is coming, which means it’s time for the annual midnight Chimpchester Santa Dash, held in Chimp Fields Park. Hundreds of chimps dressed as Santa compete in a two kilometre race around the park, raising money for local charities.
This year there was a heavy snowfall before the event and the organisers decided to take a gamble and run the race anyway. It was a big mistake. Santas slipped in the soft snow and suffered all sorts of injuries. Forty-four Santas were taken to hospital with ailments that included broken arms, slipped discs and dislocated knees.
The race was very nearly won by Simon Chimpledder who stopped at nothing in his attempt to be victorious. Several of the competitors he pushed and tripped up suffered nasty injuries, so it was poetic justice when in the final straight, in the lead, he slipped on some fresh snow and got his head stuck between two railings. He finished last. Six hours later. That’s how long it took for the firefighters to cut him out.
After the number of injuries suffered this year it’s hoped that the organisers are insured.
Kevin's dad realises this rocket isn't going to take off.....
It’s Bonfire night in Chimpchester, the day when ordinary members of the public are allowed to purchase and set off vast quantities of explosives. The reason? To celebrate Guy Chimpfawke’s failed plot to blow up the King in 1605.
Kevin Chimpbert has persuaded his dad to buy some rockets to let off in the back garden. Kevin’s dad failed to read the back of the packet that warned users to ensure they stood 30 metres away from the rocket when fired. Kevin’s garden is only 15 metres long.
The first rocket they fired veered off and struck a neighbour’s roof, lodging between two roof tiles. Kevin’s heart leapt into his mouth as the firework exploded. A wave of relief hit him when he saw that the rocket didn’t appear to have caused any damage.
Kevin’s dad let Kevin set up the next rocket, but due to his lack of experience in handling fireworks Kevin stuck the rocket’s splint a little too far in to the lawn. His dad didn’t notice, so when it was lit they both watched as the rocket roared in to life, spurting fire, ready to take off.
After what seemed like rather a long time it finally dawned on the pair that this rocket was going anywhere. It just couldn’t get off the ground. Kevin heard his dad shout “Take cover! It’s gonna blow!” and looked around to see that his dad had vanished. In a panic, Kevin dived behind the patio table just in time as the rocket blew up in a huge explosion and flash of multi-coloured sparks.
Kevin looked up to see his dad emerge from around the corner of the house. Apart from a few scorch marks on the shed they’d had a lucky escape!
"Raaaaaaa! Give us some chocolate or we will eat you!"
It’s Halloween, and on every housing estate in Chimpchester groups of children dressed as ghosts, ghouls and all manner of horrific creatures are tip-toeing door to door to frighten residents in to giving them chocolate and sweets. Lonely grannies everywhere turn off their lights and hope no-one comes to the door.
On the council estate of Chimpfields the kids play horrible tricks on those who don’t give them sweets or money, letting down the tyres on cars or even throwing bricks through windows. Some of the kids spread rumours that some of the elderly residents are witches and eat children.
On the affluent estates of Chimp Moss and Chimpbrook the children turn their noses up at anything but the luxury chocolates. This year promises to be the best haul yet….
The Chimpbardolph Morris Dancers in action....
Travel through any Chimpdales village in the summer and there’s a high chance you may stumble across some form of village fete. If you do, you’ll almost certainly be exposed to some traditional Morris Dancing, which forms the focus of any summer village celebration.
Not many people can explain what it’s all about, but it usually involves male chimps dancing in special white suits, with coloured ribbons attached to them. They’ll also be wearing clogs, straw hats decked with flowers, and they’ll be brandishing some wooden sticks or handkerchiefs.
The rhythmic dancing can be slightly hypnotising as the dancers, in unison, jig to and fro, tapping their wooden batons against each other. On a lovely sunny day, with a glass of lemonade and a nice picnic it’s glorious. Why not join in?
